One of my self-imposed rules in working with couples is that if one partner has an unhealthy relationship with a behaviour, substance or alcohol, that needs to be addressed before we can start work. Recently, I had to face my rigid approach and modify my rule book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fred and Ginger came to see me. (Can you tell that I have changed the names?).\u00a0 Although not married, they were in a long-term, five-year, committed relationship. They claimed to love each other and yet it felt like they were in a toxic relationship given the frequency and intensity of their arguments.\u00a0 The only dance this Fred and Ginger were doing was a self-destructive one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fred admitted at the outset that he had a problem with alcohol. The more they argued, the more he drunk. The more he drunk, the more they argued. Most of the arguments were centred on whether Ginger had been unfaithful to him on their holiday in Greece last summer, which she vehemently denied. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I named my rule.\u00a0 Fred had to address his relationship with alcohol before our work could begin.\u00a0 I felt I was on secure ground given Fred was not in denial about the drink. I explained that our couples work might intensify the level of his (and their) distress and lead him to drink more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We met again.\u00a0 And again.\u00a0 During those early sessions, we discussed the possibility of Fred joining a 12-step meeting and entering rehab.\u00a0 But he hadn\u2019t done so.\u00a0 I wheeled out all my favourite phrases such as \u201cNothing changes if nothing changes. \u201d<\/em>They kept coming back to therapy and yet nothing changed. Eventually I was faced with the reality of my self-imposed rule. Should I refuse to treat this couple further until Fred had entered rehab?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Intellectually, my rule made sense to me. Practically, would it serve my client? Our weekly sessions were the only safe and contained space which this couple had, especially Ginger. If I withdrew from our relationship to honour my decree, might I be abandoning my client? <\/p>\n\n\n\n I realised that some of my rush to send Fred to rehab was not just based on my belief that he needed to remove his primary coping mechanism. I didn\u2019t want to tolerate the mess or sit with the discomfort. \u00a0In a nutshell, the sessions were messy and difficult.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n If Fred could sort out his drinking, it would make my work easier.\u00a0 I would have an oven ready couple to do the \u201cperfect\u201d piece of work with.\u00a0\u00a0 Fred\u2019s drinking was not only impacting his relationship but it was also impeding the success of my work.\u00a0 I am not proud that my ego took centre stage here.\u00a0\u00a0 When did the work of serving my clients become based on my<\/em> success?\u00a0 And who gets to define \u201csuccess?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n After exploring this in supervision, I decided to loosen my rule. It was not serving any of us. I was not prepared to walk away from my client. I felt congruent and authentic in letting them know that I felt as if I had one hand tied behind my back and I shared my dilemma. However, I was prepared to walk beside them for as long as it took.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All three of us needed to sit with the stuckness while building our therapeutic alliance. And that\u2019s exactly what we did. I was able to refer both Fred and Ginger to their own individual therapists which enabled them to understand more as to how each of them had got to this place. I learned to let go of my desire to make \u201cprogress\u201d in each session. If they were coming back, I had to assume that they were getting something out of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lo and behold, the moment came when Fred decided to enter rehab. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I have learned rules of engagement with our clients are fine, per se.\u00a0 But there is always a context.\u00a0 I learned that the work doesn\u2019t begin when my<\/em> pre-conditions for therapy are met.\u00a0 In this case, it began the moment they walked through my office door. We all needed to get stuck long enough to experience that nothing changes if nothing changes.\u00a0 After that, everything changed.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n \n\nGavin Sharpe\n<\/br>\nLDPRT Alumni\n<\/em>\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n gavin@rivierawellbeing.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n www.rivierawellbeing.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n (The clients have been anonymised and the story tweaked to ensure client confidentially)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The views and opinions expressed in these blog posts are held by the author(s) and are for general interest in the field. These blog entries do not attempt give advice to the reader, they are for educational and information purposes only.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of my self-imposed rules in working with couples is that if one partner has an unhealthy relationship with a behaviour, substance or alcohol, that needs to be addressed before we can start work. Recently, I had to face my rigid approach and modify my rule book. Fred and Ginger came to see me. 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